Mention the word “dating” in a social setting and everyone will immediately have flashbacks to their own experiences — the good, the bad, and the terribly embarrassing. For something that didn’t even exist until the past century or so, modern dating has become a universal experience in the Western world. But dealing with it in a digital age takes effort, says Dr. Venus Nicolino.
It’s a topic she addresses often in videos on her popular TikTok channel. For example, she can tell you why you always should be open and available to meeting someone new, but warns you that it’s impossible to be good enough for the wrong person. And in her irreverent style, she can also tell you why “right person, wrong time” is “1,000% wrong.”
It’s a topic she also took up on her podcast, “The Tea With Dr. V,” in a conversation with actress Syd Wilder. That included discussing something Dr. Venus Nicolino often mentions in relation to dating: ownership of female sexuality.
“Your sexuality is not a credit card, people don’t get to cash in on it,” she said. “Your body is yours to do with what you want to do with it.”
Wilder brought up the entitled attitude some men have when it comes to sex. But when she mentioned wanting men to “earn it,” Dr. Venus Nicolino was having none of it.
“I don’t want you to get trapped in that thought process. Because what you’re doing, you’re going along with these sextist attitudes and beliefs about who you are. You get to choose who you sleep with — when, how, where,” she said. “No one earns you. To say that someone has to earn your sexuality implies your sexuality isn’t yours.”
Tips For Dating in the Digital Age
Dr. Venus Nicolino, the bestselling author of Bad Advice: How To Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t, said people often look at dating in terms of the other person. But, she said, “It’s really about your experience of you, with them.” However, actually being with someone is more difficult than ever in a time of dating apps. The prevalent idea that people are hooking up more than ever is “just not true,” she said.
Whether Hinge or Tinder is your thing, “You don’t have access to people; you have access to pictures,” she said of dating apps. “But how many times will you actually meet someone in person?” She added that research shows that “hookups” are happening right now at about the same rate as in the 1970s.
Dr. Venus Nicolino said dating apps end up being about the app itself, not actual dating. Rather than spending hours scrolling through apps, and sending endless DMs, she advises people to select a few best candidates and make appointments to meet them. She said having that process can lead to more success in actual dating, as opposed to swiping left and right all night.
She pointed out that before the internet, groups of women would go through the ritual of planning a night out and how they would handle meeting men. “Preparation prepares you to go through a process,” she said. “The dating on your device doesn’t prepare you for a process. You’re inactively triggering your brain to be addicted to these dating apps.” She later added, “That is draining and unhealthy.”
She also said that once people start dating, they should talk, not text, about complex issues. “You don’t want to have an emotional conversation over a text or an email. Pick up the phone and call,” she said.
Listen to Your Instincts That Warn You of ‘Crazy’
In a video for the New York Post’s Page Six, Dr. Venus Nicolino offers her take on what to watch out for with first dates. She started with the red flags, offering a tip on spotting a sociopath or narcissist.
“They will lack compassion and empathy and you will feel that right away. Do not ignore that red flag,” she said. She added that this is not a time to practice an overabundance of empathy.
“People who are empathetic, who are understanding, will have a tendency to collect red flags,” she said, “instead of listening to our intuition and being like, ‘This person is f—ed up.’”
She told Wilder that women also should stay wary of men who talk about “traditional” values. “Traditional is another term for misogynist and sexist,” she said. “As soon as someone talks about their traditional values, what they’re really talking about are their sexist and misogynistic attitudes and beliefs. That’s what they’re really talking about.”
She also cautioned about the “pleasure gap.” She said when men and women have sex on the first date, almost 70% of men achieve orgasm, but only 4% percent of women do. Her advice in this area is also unconventional: She tells Wilder that you can tell a lot about a person in the way in which they give and receive sexual attention. Gathering this information sooner, rather than later, is best.
Don’t Ignore Kinky Areas of Opportunity
Dr. Venus Nicolino started her relationship with her husband on a one-night stand. She’s understandably not interested in old-fashioned rules about waiting to have sex.
“If you feel a connection with someone on the first date and it feels right, and you’re both in the moment, allow yourself to have that moment,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said in the Page Six video.
Sexuality also can provide an indicator that things are going well as you continue to date someone. Dr. Venus Nicolino also talked about one unique sign when discussing dating and relationships with Page Six.
“So, you’re in bed and your partner brings up a kink, something that they like to do that you were unaware of,” she said. “I just want to let you know that that is an area of opportunity. This person just gave you a piece of information. I think to explore these valuable pieces of information, particularly in the bedroom, is so incredibly important.
“Because your sexual relationship is your relationship, nonverbal. The idea that your partner would feel even comfortable to bring up a kink of theirs, that is incredible trust. So, while it might be surprising, while it might be shocking, it’s actually a sign that your relationship might be on the right track.”
